Category Archives: humor

40….. is the magic number

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I recently celebrated my 40th birthday. My friends threw me the most FANTASTIC party! I knew it was going to be awesome, but I had no idea how awesome. I mean…what kind of friends make jello shots that looked like little orange slices?  AWESOME friends! That’s who!

This post isn’t going to be about the fabulous party they threw for me or that the party also included a unicorn piñata (what did I tell you….awesome!!!) I can write more on that later; 
You see…. When you turn 40, you become reflective…at least for a few minutes. I think it is because it really could be the middle of your life.   For me it was a time to take stock in the things I have accomplished and my future endeavors phases. My reflective moment had me creating a list of things that I felt were a part of what makes my life awesome. Some things on the list you might have heard before…but I thought I would share anyway.  I will keep the list to 20 nuggets of “advice” ( I use that term very loosely).  Please feel free to comment with your own little nuggets (that sounds weird…but funny weird, so I’m not editing it out) So….here you go:
  1. Don’t “collect” friends. It’s better to have a close group of friends who will really show-up for you, instead of a contact list full of friends who will show up for your Superbowl party… but won’t be there for you when you decide to adopt 2 puppies at the same time and are totally regretting your decision. (that’s a true story… for a later post)
  2. There is nothing wrong with turning down an invitation to do something. If you don’t want to go out, just say so. Don’t  make up an excuse.
  3. Your relationships with your family members can change over time. A lot of it has to do with how you deal with things. Remember…you are now an adult, act like one even if the other adults aren’t.
  4. Don’t be so serious. Make sure you have as much fun as you can… at most everything you do. 
  5. The “fun” (see #4) should include lots of laughter (which might require Depends if you have a weak bladder).
  6. If you’ve picked your friends according to #1… then #2 shouldn’t be a problem. Real friends learn who you are…but you need to do the same for them. They also need to call you out on your shit. That’s what friend do. 
  7. Forgive yourself for stupid things you did as a kid, teenager and young adult. Once you’re 30…you’re old enough to know better and will have to live with that guilt until you die, sorry.
  8. Sometimes it is better to ask for forgiveness than permission
  9. Fart jokes are still funny at 40. If you don’t think so…I’m sorry that you are missing out
  10. Not every friend has to be a best friend. Friends play various roles in your life, and sometimes the roles change as time goes on. It’s OK. Sometimes a friendship might have run its course. It takes courage to walk away from a friendship that isn’t working out anymore, but it is worth freeing up yourself and that person to have the right people in your lives. 
  11. You can have views that are different than your family members and still be able to get along really well…but you have to be brave enough to set ground rules when it comes to touchy subject (ie: politics, religion, paper or plastic) Sometimes the rule is that no one can talk about the touchy subjects.
  12. I would rather live paycheck to paycheck doing something I love than have lots of money that I earned doing something that doesn’t bring me joy. (but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t enjoy winning the lottery….even just the $100,000 jackpot….I’m not greedy)
  13. Be sure to have at least one friend who will honestly tell you if your ass looks like a billboard in those pants…and be sure she goes shopping with you every time. 
  14. Don’t do something you know you won’t enjoy doing just to go along with the crowd; but also be willing to try something new, if you have some interest in it…even if it scares you. (example: I won’t go skydiving…ever. I have NO interest in trying it. I don’t understand the concept of voluntarily throwing yourself out of a plane….. I did, however, have a group of friends convince me to backpack across Mexico and work on an organic farm with them for a month, a few summers ago….I had NEVER been camping before this trip. Yes, it was outside my comfort zone…but traveling is something I love…it was a life changing experience…totally worth it!  I’ll blog about the Mexico trip at some point too!)
  15. Everyone should live in a big city for at least 6 months in their life. It’s good for your soul…and it also makes you appreciate the small town you grew up in (hopefully…unless you grew up in a small town that totally sucks…if you did, just skip #15)
  16. The level of happiness in your life solely depends on you. No one else.
  17. If you are still blaming you parents, siblings, exes, 8th grade Volleyball coach, etc…for your problems/unhappiness…you are wasting a lot of time and missing out on life
  18. Your presence in this world changes people’s lives. Think about that. 
  19. Know that everything you post on Facebook or on your blog goes into your permanent record
  20. Just because your opinion is different than someone else’s doesn’t mean either of you are wrong it just means that you have a differing opinion…unless it involves the following..then you are TOTALLY wrong:
        • If you like Rick Perry (he is an asshat…I don’t care what you say)
        • If you like Mariah Carey’s music (although I can forgive you for this one… I may hold it against you, but I can forgive you..but you’re still wrong)
        • If you think it is OK to bash someone because of race, sexual orientation or special needs. (policial affiliations are fair game…just sayin’)

I could have gone on and on with my list of nuggets….but I’ll stop (because I’m really tired and want to go to bed)…but I will leave you with one of my all-time favorite quotes….


“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”
~Dr. Seuss

~e


No front tooth required

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I’d forgotten about another blog-worthy date I have been on, until talking with my sister last night. I do have to say that I actually have some positive online-dating experiences. They just aren’t as amusing!

(I also promise to find another topic to blog about…but these little nuggets are really fun to share!)

We decided to meet at a coffee shop. Again, he didn’t fit the mold of the type of guy I am usually attracted to, but I figured I’d take a chance. He emailed me the day we were scheduled to meet to tell me he might be a bit late because he had to go to the dentist to get a temporary tooth put in since the cap on one of his teeth had come off. I suggested we postpone the date but he insisted that it wouldn’t be a problem.

He (AKA Toothy) showed up to the coffee shop and looked like he might be in some pain or still feeling the effects of the Nitrous. His mouth was a little swollen.

me: are you sure you are feeling OK? We can reschedule… 

Toothy: no, no…I’m fine (drool leaking out of the side of his mouth)

me: Ok…if you’re sure…

We walk over to the counter to order our coffee. He states to the Barista loudly, “I’m here with the prettiest girl in the room!”. The Barista looks at him strangely. I am the ONLY female in the coffee shop. We are actually the only people in the whole place, besides our male Barista.  The shop is deserted. The Barista gives me a concerned look. I try to signal through eye-contact to keep a close watch on us. He seems to pick up on my telepathic vibe that this isn’t someone I know and that I am not sure if I will make it home alive.

We order our coffee and sit down.
Toothy smiles at me.
He needs to call his dentist and ask for a refund.

 He hadn’t told me that the tooth that had to be repaired was one of his front teeth. The tooth was still bleeding a bit, and the “temporary” tooth looked like the dentist had glued a Lee Press-on Nail in his mouth. Seriously. Now… my two front teeth have bonding on them from a tragic playground accident when I was in 2nd or 3rd grade that resulted in a triangle shaped gap between my front teeth.  I know what it can be like to deal with dental work. I just think I would have waited to meet someone for the 1st time…that’s all.

As he tries to drink his coffee, he has two challenges. The heat of the coffee was painful to the temporary tooth, and the residual numbing of his mouth was causing him to drool the little bit of coffee he is able to actually get into his mouth.

He started telling me about his job, he was a camera operator. He told me about all of the things he had filmed. It was kind of interesting. He told me about his family and some of his hobbies. He talked for about 45 minutes about various things. I was only able to get a head-nod and the occasional “um hum” in. He really thought he was quite interesting.

He did ask me about my work, and as soon as I start talking I am interrupted by another story about him.  I have to say, I knew this wasn’t a “match” when we first met. I do feel like I’m generally a pretty good judge of people….but for some reason I throw that out of the window when agreeing to meet people I’ve met online….oh well.

I tried to politely end the conversation. I was worried the Lee Press-On tooth was going to fall out. It seemed to be precariously holding on.

Before he began his next story, I looked at my phone, pretended to check a text message from a friend in need and told him I needed to go.  He seemed a little shocked by my need to leave, but luckily a friend sent a real text to check in, so I had another “out” if needed. It was needed!

 He wanted to walk me to my car. I didn’t really want him to know what my vehicle looked like. I don’t know why I had this feeling, but I did…he just kind of creeped me out. I told him I had to go to the restroom and that I appreciated him buying me a cup of coffee…and that he shouldn’t wait on me.  He seemed a little upset that I wouldn’t let him walk me out, but I thought all was good.

I hid out in the restroom for about 5 minutes. When I was walking out of the restroom, the Barista saw me and signaled for me to go back in, quick! Toothy was still there. I waited in the restroom for a few more minutes when a woman walked in. She had just arrived for her shift and the male Barista had told her to come get me and let me know that the coast was clear.

It’s good to have people who have your back!

I shared the story with the two Baristas. They thought he was creepy and didn’t want something to happen to me, especially something that started at their little coffee shop. Sure, they needed the press…but not the kind of press associated with an online date gone terribly, terribly wrong.

I thanked my fairy godbaristas for their help. I walked to my car with them watching me from the window, just in-case.

When I arrived home I had an email from Toothy. He LOVED spending time with me, thought I was BEAUTIFUL and interesting (although he knew nothing about me, since he talked about himself the whole time)  and he couldn’t wait to see me again.

 Oh crap!

I emailed him back. I thanked him for the coffee and told him it was nice to meet him but that I didn’t see that it was a “match” for me. I wished him luck in his search. I was nice, polite and brief.

He email me back.

It was a long rant about all that was wrong with me and why I didn’t deserve him. I was no longer beautiful or someone he wanted to spend time with. ever.  It was an email that, had I printed it out, would have been two pages long. Two pages that would have been good evidence as to why I was murdered that night.

 Two pages of all of the things that I am not, and why HE is the one who is breaking this off. Um….we just had coffee Toothy….there was nothing to “break off”….but if it makes you feel better, and keeps you from hunting me down to kill me….then Yes…you broke up with me. I’m OK with that.

So…another one bites the dust. I guess that dust would be the only thing Toothy could bite…. with his Lee Press-on tooth. 🙂

e~

p.s. Thanks to the fairy godbaristas for having my back! I’m happy to report I am still alive!

Laser-Cat Guy (or, I just went on a date with John Lennon)

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Fun for Parsnip!
Image by Mr. Ducke via Flickr

This post is quite long, but it really is all in the details….Thank you online dating.

We had met once before for dinner and he didn’t seem like a serial killer so I agreed to a second date. Sure, he was cut from the cloth of a 1988  Poison/Warrant concert promotion poster and his hair was as important to him as Brett Michaels’ hair was… before he lost it and began wearing one of those bandanas with the hair sewn into it…but he seemed like a decent guy, so why not? (you will see as you read this story, why not. I’m sure of it).

I don’t know if it was bravery or insanity, but I decided to meet him at his house.

I arrived at his place. The plan was to go to dinner and then to see a movie, so I figured our time at his house would be brief. He invited me in and his house was decorated “wannabe artist/bachelor chic”. In other words, futons abound , a large Dreamcatcher  was the main focal-point of the room and tie-dyed curtains were used to round out the whole look. He also had about 100 pieces of art work that he had created on his computer stacked around the room. Little canvases, big canvases….. He showed me all of them. ALL OF THEM. He also acted like a museum docent, filling me in on all the “details” about each piece.  The interesting, or not so interesting thing was that they all looked the same. seriously.  They were kind of like an Etch-a-Sketch meets Play-doh and then those two spent some time in the Easy-Bake Oven and the product of that was put on a canvas.

After the WAY too long “art show”, It was time to go to dinner. On the way to his truck he began to tell me how much he LOVED The Beatles, how their new box-set had come out, and how he thinks he is John Lennon reincarnated. Yep. really. I guess obsessed with the Beatles would be a better description. He said the John Lennon comment with a straight face. I chose not to question or doubt the powers of the Beatles. There are some things one just doesn’t mess with. He also told me he was now in a band, and that he had “one of the best singing voices he has ever heard”. Being John Lennon and all, this would make sense. But  Yes. He really said those words, out loud. (hence the quotes)
I guess he thought I would be impressed by his singing skills so he sang Beatles songs all the way to the restaurant. The WHOLE way. At the top of his lungs. The only time he wasn’t singing was when he was filling my head with Beatles trivia. I know the ride to dinner was only about 10 minutes, but it felt like 3 1/2 days.

I decided to cut him some slack and figured he was just nervous, or insane…I’m still not sure which one it was. My bet is on the latter.

Dinner was an hour-long informative lecture about all that was wrong with his family,  how he enjoys being the black sheep and that his perfect brother was Satan’s spawn. Oh…and how he was such a great catch and that he can’t figure out why he hasn’t met someone.

I had two glasses of wine.

The first one I drank down like a tequila shot.

The second one I nursed for a while, as not to be in a state of mind that I wouldn’t be able to run for my life in the event that  became necessary. It seemed good to have options.

I wanted a third glass but he looked at me strangely when I ordered the second one.  I wasn’t sure if his look was one of concern that I drink too much… or if he was sizing me up to drug me, put a long black wig on my head, rename me Yoko, blame me for the breakup of the Beatles, to then dismember me and put my body parts in his freezer, all while singing “Love Me Do”. The jury is still out on that one.

He was nice enough to pay for our dinner; although he asked me to leave the tip since I had two glasses of wine and he “only had four Dr. Peppers”. Since he drank a gallon of liquid at dinner, he wasn’t able to finish his meal so he took home some leftovers.  He didn’t want them to go bad in the car while we were at the movies and we had time to stop by his house and put them in the fridge since the movie started later than we thought. So a few Beatles songs later we were back at his place.

He put the leftovers away and then he started talking about his cat. I hadn’t seen his cat the 1st time I was in his house. I figured he had a cat since the sheets covering the futons were covered in cat hair (as were my black pants), there was the not-so-faint smell of a litter-box that needed cleaning  and he had a 5 foot tall “cat tree” that blended in flawlessly with his decor.

He started to tell me the origin of the cat’s name. I don’t remember much of the story, but it involved something from Dungeons and Dragons, a lost high school love and something about his Mom.  I think I saw tears welling up in his eyes when he was talking about it.

To distract me from his emotional “moment” he pulled out his laser pointer to get the cat’s attention. He really wanted me to meet Gollum (or whatever the cat’s name was). From out of nowhere this huge feline leapt for the red laser light. It was cute….at first.  I kid you not, he had that poor cat follow the laser pointer around his living room for 15 minutes. He cooed and talked to the cat in a baby voice while the cat was tortured with his inability to catch the stupid red light.

I suggested that we go ahead and leave for the movie…before the cat decided to turn his frustration into blood-thirsty anger.  I didn’t want to be late, or receive inoperable facial lacerations from this poor cat. Plus,  it was opening night for the movie and I wanted to get a good seat.

He said he needed to take care of something before we left. I figured that he had to go to the bathroom since he drank so much soda at dinner. Nope. I was wrong on that one. I started hearing gurgling noises coming from the back room; and then there was a strong odor and smoke billowing out of the room…followed by really bad coughing. Yep…you guessed it. (and if you didn’t guess it…then I’m not going to explain it to you…sorry). He “politely” peeked around the corner to see if I wanted any.
me: “Uh…no, thanks….and do you REALLY need to do that right now?”

Between hits, he went on for a while about how disappointed his Dad was that his oldest son (Laser-Cat Guy…or LCG for short)  was almost 40, still single and smokes all day long. LCG has a brother, you know Satan’s spawn…who is a pediatric oncologist…. I think  I’m with Dad on this one.

I was surprised that at that time, I didn’t bail. I guess I really wanted to see the movie. (btw…I can’t remember what movie it was).

“Laser-Cat-Guy” and I got into my car.  I wasn’t going to let him drive. We headed to the movies. Oh, he had a Beatles CD in his jacket pocket to play in my car, just my luck! I got to hear him sing all the way to the theater. Bailing might have been a good idea.

During the movie I could tell he thought I was really into him… by the way he was trying to put his arm around me and/or hold my hand.  I’m not sure where he got the idea since I dramatically put down the armrest between us, crossed my arms (feigning that it was really cold in the theater)… and was basically sitting in the lap of the lovely gentleman sitting on the other side of me…his date didn’t seem to mind.
I made it through the movie unscathed, although I felt like I had to be at DEFCON 5 to  deflect any attempts at any type of contact with”Laser-Cat-Guy”. The nice gentleman sitting on the other side of me totally had my back…I could tell.

Driving home was one of those fantastically uncomfortable moments. I realized I had left my scarf and gloves in his place. Damn. That means I have to go into his house again. Damn.

Once we got in the driveway, I told him that I needed my things.

LCG: That’s cool. I was hoping you would want to come in. (crazy glint in his eyes)
me: I just need to get my things. I’m tired (fake yawn and stretch…(for better believability))
LCG: (small chuckle) sure…you just want to “get you things” (yes, he used air quotes)
me: I am not sure what you are implying with the use of air quotes, but if you were implying that I want to get my scarf and gloves then it was the appropriate, yet unnecessary use of air quotes…in my opinion.
LCG: Cool. Come on in. ( eye glint has become creepy and crazy)
me: (standing at the door, on the porch, outside in the cold) Um…can you just grab them for me, I left the car running…
LCG: Cool. (goes in and returns with my stuff) It was nice to meet you.
me: Uh huh… Thanks….I gotta go…
Out of the blue, he leans in and tries to kiss me. Seriously. He was about 6’2, and I was standing one step below him.(i’m about 5’7)…As he “came in for the kill” I turned my head quickly to avoid any contact and accidentally (or not so accidentally) forehead butted him in the nose.
me: oops. sorry…I gotta go
LCG: (holding his nose with his hands and quietly cursing under his breath) Cool. Can I call you sometime?
me: Sure! (it was a safe answer…he didn’t have my number)

When I returned home there was an email from him through the online dating website. LCG recounted our date and stated that he really wanted to see me again. He also hoped that it didn’t scare me away that he was the reincarnation of John Lennon. (again there was no indication that this was a joke).

I replied that the John Lennon thing was cool, but it wasn’t going to work out since I am allergic to cats…and laser pointers.

Shockingly, he never emailed again.
~e