Laser-Cat Guy (or, I just went on a date with John Lennon)

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Fun for Parsnip!
Image by Mr. Ducke via Flickr

This post is quite long, but it really is all in the details….Thank you online dating.

We had met once before for dinner and he didn’t seem like a serial killer so I agreed to a second date. Sure, he was cut from the cloth of a 1988  Poison/Warrant concert promotion poster and his hair was as important to him as Brett Michaels’ hair was… before he lost it and began wearing one of those bandanas with the hair sewn into it…but he seemed like a decent guy, so why not? (you will see as you read this story, why not. I’m sure of it).

I don’t know if it was bravery or insanity, but I decided to meet him at his house.

I arrived at his place. The plan was to go to dinner and then to see a movie, so I figured our time at his house would be brief. He invited me in and his house was decorated “wannabe artist/bachelor chic”. In other words, futons abound , a large Dreamcatcher  was the main focal-point of the room and tie-dyed curtains were used to round out the whole look. He also had about 100 pieces of art work that he had created on his computer stacked around the room. Little canvases, big canvases….. He showed me all of them. ALL OF THEM. He also acted like a museum docent, filling me in on all the “details” about each piece.  The interesting, or not so interesting thing was that they all looked the same. seriously.  They were kind of like an Etch-a-Sketch meets Play-doh and then those two spent some time in the Easy-Bake Oven and the product of that was put on a canvas.

After the WAY too long “art show”, It was time to go to dinner. On the way to his truck he began to tell me how much he LOVED The Beatles, how their new box-set had come out, and how he thinks he is John Lennon reincarnated. Yep. really. I guess obsessed with the Beatles would be a better description. He said the John Lennon comment with a straight face. I chose not to question or doubt the powers of the Beatles. There are some things one just doesn’t mess with. He also told me he was now in a band, and that he had “one of the best singing voices he has ever heard”. Being John Lennon and all, this would make sense. But  Yes. He really said those words, out loud. (hence the quotes)
I guess he thought I would be impressed by his singing skills so he sang Beatles songs all the way to the restaurant. The WHOLE way. At the top of his lungs. The only time he wasn’t singing was when he was filling my head with Beatles trivia. I know the ride to dinner was only about 10 minutes, but it felt like 3 1/2 days.

I decided to cut him some slack and figured he was just nervous, or insane…I’m still not sure which one it was. My bet is on the latter.

Dinner was an hour-long informative lecture about all that was wrong with his family,  how he enjoys being the black sheep and that his perfect brother was Satan’s spawn. Oh…and how he was such a great catch and that he can’t figure out why he hasn’t met someone.

I had two glasses of wine.

The first one I drank down like a tequila shot.

The second one I nursed for a while, as not to be in a state of mind that I wouldn’t be able to run for my life in the event that  became necessary. It seemed good to have options.

I wanted a third glass but he looked at me strangely when I ordered the second one.  I wasn’t sure if his look was one of concern that I drink too much… or if he was sizing me up to drug me, put a long black wig on my head, rename me Yoko, blame me for the breakup of the Beatles, to then dismember me and put my body parts in his freezer, all while singing “Love Me Do”. The jury is still out on that one.

He was nice enough to pay for our dinner; although he asked me to leave the tip since I had two glasses of wine and he “only had four Dr. Peppers”. Since he drank a gallon of liquid at dinner, he wasn’t able to finish his meal so he took home some leftovers.  He didn’t want them to go bad in the car while we were at the movies and we had time to stop by his house and put them in the fridge since the movie started later than we thought. So a few Beatles songs later we were back at his place.

He put the leftovers away and then he started talking about his cat. I hadn’t seen his cat the 1st time I was in his house. I figured he had a cat since the sheets covering the futons were covered in cat hair (as were my black pants), there was the not-so-faint smell of a litter-box that needed cleaning  and he had a 5 foot tall “cat tree” that blended in flawlessly with his decor.

He started to tell me the origin of the cat’s name. I don’t remember much of the story, but it involved something from Dungeons and Dragons, a lost high school love and something about his Mom.  I think I saw tears welling up in his eyes when he was talking about it.

To distract me from his emotional “moment” he pulled out his laser pointer to get the cat’s attention. He really wanted me to meet Gollum (or whatever the cat’s name was). From out of nowhere this huge feline leapt for the red laser light. It was cute….at first.  I kid you not, he had that poor cat follow the laser pointer around his living room for 15 minutes. He cooed and talked to the cat in a baby voice while the cat was tortured with his inability to catch the stupid red light.

I suggested that we go ahead and leave for the movie…before the cat decided to turn his frustration into blood-thirsty anger.  I didn’t want to be late, or receive inoperable facial lacerations from this poor cat. Plus,  it was opening night for the movie and I wanted to get a good seat.

He said he needed to take care of something before we left. I figured that he had to go to the bathroom since he drank so much soda at dinner. Nope. I was wrong on that one. I started hearing gurgling noises coming from the back room; and then there was a strong odor and smoke billowing out of the room…followed by really bad coughing. Yep…you guessed it. (and if you didn’t guess it…then I’m not going to explain it to you…sorry). He “politely” peeked around the corner to see if I wanted any.
me: “Uh…no, thanks….and do you REALLY need to do that right now?”

Between hits, he went on for a while about how disappointed his Dad was that his oldest son (Laser-Cat Guy…or LCG for short)  was almost 40, still single and smokes all day long. LCG has a brother, you know Satan’s spawn…who is a pediatric oncologist…. I think  I’m with Dad on this one.

I was surprised that at that time, I didn’t bail. I guess I really wanted to see the movie. (btw…I can’t remember what movie it was).

“Laser-Cat-Guy” and I got into my car.  I wasn’t going to let him drive. We headed to the movies. Oh, he had a Beatles CD in his jacket pocket to play in my car, just my luck! I got to hear him sing all the way to the theater. Bailing might have been a good idea.

During the movie I could tell he thought I was really into him… by the way he was trying to put his arm around me and/or hold my hand.  I’m not sure where he got the idea since I dramatically put down the armrest between us, crossed my arms (feigning that it was really cold in the theater)… and was basically sitting in the lap of the lovely gentleman sitting on the other side of me…his date didn’t seem to mind.
I made it through the movie unscathed, although I felt like I had to be at DEFCON 5 to  deflect any attempts at any type of contact with”Laser-Cat-Guy”. The nice gentleman sitting on the other side of me totally had my back…I could tell.

Driving home was one of those fantastically uncomfortable moments. I realized I had left my scarf and gloves in his place. Damn. That means I have to go into his house again. Damn.

Once we got in the driveway, I told him that I needed my things.

LCG: That’s cool. I was hoping you would want to come in. (crazy glint in his eyes)
me: I just need to get my things. I’m tired (fake yawn and stretch…(for better believability))
LCG: (small chuckle) sure…you just want to “get you things” (yes, he used air quotes)
me: I am not sure what you are implying with the use of air quotes, but if you were implying that I want to get my scarf and gloves then it was the appropriate, yet unnecessary use of air quotes…in my opinion.
LCG: Cool. Come on in. ( eye glint has become creepy and crazy)
me: (standing at the door, on the porch, outside in the cold) Um…can you just grab them for me, I left the car running…
LCG: Cool. (goes in and returns with my stuff) It was nice to meet you.
me: Uh huh… Thanks….I gotta go…
Out of the blue, he leans in and tries to kiss me. Seriously. He was about 6’2, and I was standing one step below him.(i’m about 5’7)…As he “came in for the kill” I turned my head quickly to avoid any contact and accidentally (or not so accidentally) forehead butted him in the nose.
me: oops. sorry…I gotta go
LCG: (holding his nose with his hands and quietly cursing under his breath) Cool. Can I call you sometime?
me: Sure! (it was a safe answer…he didn’t have my number)

When I returned home there was an email from him through the online dating website. LCG recounted our date and stated that he really wanted to see me again. He also hoped that it didn’t scare me away that he was the reincarnation of John Lennon. (again there was no indication that this was a joke).

I replied that the John Lennon thing was cool, but it wasn’t going to work out since I am allergic to cats…and laser pointers.

Shockingly, he never emailed again.
~e

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